Consider Pre-Separation Mediation as an alternative to counselling
Trying to save your marriage but not sure how to go about it? You may have tried marriage counselling or one of you may be resistant to it. Or, one of you may have decided it’s over and need to tell the other. Pre-separation mediation may be for you.
If you are a couple that might be considering separating but would like to see if you could try and stay together before making that decision, you could consider pre-separation mediation.
What is Pre-Separation Mediation?
As a professional mediator specialising in keeping families healthy during separation, I have worked with so many couples where one or both of them are not quite ready to take that final step and end their marriage. They understand what a big decision it is and they would like to try everything before taking that final step. Or, one of them has decided it’s over but needs help telling the other. Pre-Separation Mediation gives them the opportunity to make new agreements about what each of them needs to make the marriage last, or to separate respectfully. It’s not counselling but rather a future-focused process that gives them a structured plan they have developed together.
How does it work?
Each member of the couple meets with me individually in the first instance, so I can assess their individual positions and aspirations. Then, I bring them together to establish agreement about what it is they envisage they would need to do to make their relationship sustainable, or to end it with kindness. We document and sign these understandings in a mediation agreement so there is no miscommunication. Many couples tell me that having a tangible document to which they can refer over the coming months helps them to stay on track and avoid conflict.
How is it different from marriage counselling?
Some couples find marriage counselling a drawn-out process and prefer not to dissect everything that ever went wrong in the past. They may prefer a more outcomes-based, future-focussed process that has agreed time-lines, benchmarks and behavior expectations clearly set out.
Attending marriage counselling may, or may not be, one of the agreements that a couple agrees to in their pre-separation mediation. If it is, we set expectations around that – timeframes, choice of therapist, anticipated outcomes, deal-breakers, etc. I can refer them to the right professional for their particular situation.
Other examples of agreements that can emerge from the pre-separation mediation can include:
- rules around acceptable communication;
- conflict resolution and argument de-escalation expectations;
- how to protect the children and what to tell them;
- managing the influence of extended family members;
- interim financial agreements;
- who sleeps where – for now;
- when they will meet with me again to ascertain their next moves;
- decisions about when, and if, to get legal advice.
If a physical, trial separation is agreed upon, we establish the game plan (who is moving out and for how long? How is the second residence financed? Is it acceptable to date during this period?) We put all this on a timeline and agree to follow-up dates to review agreements.
The general rule-of-thumb is ‘no sudden moves’.
Everything is mutually agreed and understood by both parties so no one person feels the other is doing something without their knowledge or consent
Why try pre-separation mediation?
Our focus is on saving the marriage and protecting the children. Couples who choose this process believe their marriage is important and don’t want to end it without really engaging in trying to save it, first.
In the event they eventually do decide to separate, it is with mutual agreement. They arrive at that decision respectfully and together. In these situations, individuals often report they are more reconciled with the decision as they tried everything before deciding to separate.
Then What?
If a couple ultimately decide to stay together, they do so under new rules of engagement. They might come back in for follow up sessions periodically, or as and when needed. Those who ultimately separate may wish to be referred to legal representation or back to the lawyer who initially referred them to me. Some couples continue with the mediation but the focus shifts to their separation and parenting plans. This avoids high legal costs and keeps their post-separation parenting relationship intact. Either way, I find their separations to be less acrimonious and litigious than couples that separate less kindly. Importantly, this means better outcomes for their children.
If this sounds appropriate for you or a couple you know, get in touch with me and I can provide you with more details.
Further Questions?
Please call Dr Anne Purcell at Resolution Partners on 07 3113 3700.
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